Yet here I am. Sort of.
Every so often I feel like shuttering this place, but I live in hopes that I'll come out of this slump and get back to making sense and decent posts...still hoping.
I realized this past weekend that it's really been a difficult 2017 so far. So many people were anxious for 2016 to end, mostly because of the slew of celebrity deaths in that year (news flash: everyone dies eventually). This year, though, at least for me, has stunk on a more personal level.
Much of the stink doesn't actually emanate from me, so to speak, but is clouding the lives of people I hold dear. Serious health issues. Parents passing away. Long term unemployment and the associated financial troubles. Serious relationship difficulties. Much, if not most, of it beyond anything I can do other than pray.
Add to this generalized anxiety about society. Since the election, already acrimonious public discourse has taken a turn for the worse. Any position but your own is not only unsound, but by default makes you a racist, homophobe, uncompassionate ass who doesn't deserve to breathe. Our college campuses, especially, have in large part begun indoctrinating students in a particular world view rather than teaching anything like free thought and free speech.
That last bit makes life at work a bit...interesting. It's hard to listen to our student workers parrot back what has been force fed them in class, knowing that for the most part, they've not thought through the actual issue, much less what defenses there are for their position. Isn't the job of the university to teach young people to think for themselves, not hand them conclusions on a silver (or platinum, given today's tuition rates) platter?
Personally, it's been a season of discontent. I'm not entirely sure I've felt well since before Christmas. Head colds, the knee issue, headaches, another cold, stomach issues. There is a fair chance some of this is stress-related.
Not feeling well makes me cranky (ok, crankier) and makes small inconveniences and idiocies loom much larger than usual. In short, the craziness gets to me more than it should. That, in turn, makes me wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing, not only professionally, but in all areas of my life. I want to make some changes, but a combination of inertia and not-sure-I-give-a-darn keeps me from actually starting anything.
Over the top of this is a layer of grieving. Stay with me on this - a lot of people just don't or won't understand. When I reached forty, I started a year or two of grieving over the biological kids I'd never have. It didn't matter that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would be a lousy mother (I love kids, and am great with them, as long as I can give them back within about four hours, and no, I would not feel any different if they were my own - deal with it), and God is absolutely right in not putting that in my life; still, I grieved.
And that's ok. It really is ok to need to work through the fact you will never have something you never really wanted in the first place. (it's my life, it only has to make sense to me).
Anyway, here we are almost twenty years later, and all sorts of "grandkid" posts start popping into my Facebook feed. I'm genuinely happy for my friends, but...it's started a new season of mourning. This round, for the lack of continuation that kids and grandkids bring.
Again, it's ok to mourn. And again, I am perfectly content with the lot God's given me in this regard. But it's still difficult in some ways.
So there's that.
The sun is finally out today, after what seems to be weeks of grey and rain. Hoping that the extra light helps to brighten my mood as well. At five this morning, as I walked from the desk in the loft to the bathroom, I could see plenty of light through the giant, east-facing windows. Spring, in spite of the thirty degree temperature, is well on its way.